We’re Already Halfway Through 2015, Somehow. We Suspect Time Warps Are Involved.

We’re exactly halfway through the year, as of tomorrow, which is shocking to me. When did this happen? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Wasn’t March like two seconds ago?

This milestone has forced me to do some personal introspection (ugh). For one thing, it’s almost July, and I have accomplished approximately zero things. There are people out there who are breaking world records by using the Hoover Dam as a projection screen. There are people who are winning Cannes Lions awards (basically, the Oscars for advertising) and pretending to get sort of freaky on the Red Carpet (you can say a lot of things about the Cannes Lions, but you can’t say they don’t know how to do a marketing stunt).

I mean, I don’t want to sell myself short here. I’ve done things, I guess. I did finally unpack a box that’s been sitting unopened in a distant corner of my apartment for four months. Does that count for anything?

I haven’t even been able to keep a New Year’s Resolution, for God’s sake. Mine was “consume less sugar,” and I promptly gave it up on January 2nd with a little hike up the wrong side of cupcake mountain. But I’m not alone, and there’s comfort in that. Only 46% of people haven’t given up on their New Year’s Resolutions by this point, and the rest steadily drop off until just 8% make it to the end of the year, according to Forbes. I’m a little surprised by these stats, because I thought the percentages would look more like 12% of people make it this far, and negative 40% make it to the end. (What does that even mean? I don’t know. I make the jokes, and you laugh. That’s how this works. Just give me a pity chuckle and we can all keep going.)

But let’s be real. The whole “resolution” thing is totally arbitrary—you can make a resolution whenever you damn well please. Just because the rest of the world is committed to the same doomed timeline of failure doesn’t mean you have to be, too. We’re at a crossroads of destiny here, and it’s not too late to make ourselves better in whatever way we choose. Watch this: I’m going to eat less sugar, just for this week. Well, I’m not, because that’s crazy, but see how easy that was to say? Let’s start with something doable, like walking my dog daily. There. I mean, that could happen.

Now, go forth and be better. You’ve got half a year left, so make it count. (Or go back really quickly and read that article about the Cannes Lions Red Carpet stunt with the Mattress of Debauchery. Trust me, you won’t be able to concentrate on anything else until you do.)


  1. Our 15 Best Blog Posts of 2015 - […] resolution you’ll make, regret, and discard immediately. But if you want to be one of the 8% of people that…

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