Confession: I am not a film critic. Example: I thought Pirates of the Caribbean was a transformative piece of cinema, and I was the one who said in our last blog that Mean Girls changed my life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t watch movies and have thoughts about them. To prep my casual movie-watching game for the Traverse City Film Festival, I went out and saw some stuff, and here’s what I thought about what I saw.
The problem: humanity’s biggest genetically assembled dinosaur has escaped and is running amok in a theme park. The solution: RELEASE MORE DINOSAURS INTO SAID THEME PARK. Incredible. Just incredible. I wanted to see people get dive-bombed by pterodactyls, and I got what I wanted.
My rating: 4/5 throwback jeeps.
Mad Max: Fury Road
If you’ve ever seen a movie and thought, “Well, it was good, but the car chase definitely could’ve been longer,” then do I have good news for you, because Mad Max is nothing BUT car chase. And it’s fantastic. The best part? There’s a guy whose sole job is to play an electric guitar with flames shooting out of it while strapped to the front of a war machine. You’ll know when Immortan Joe is about to bring the ruckus because you’ll hear ominous electric guitar riffs in the distance.
My rating: 5/5 flaming guitars.
This movie is the most Pixar thing that Pixar has ever done. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if feelings had feelings? Because Pixar apparently did. Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust all must work together inside the mind of 11-year-old Riley to traverse the rocky road that is growing up. Spoiler alert: everything turns out okay.
My rating: 3/5 Amy Poehler-voiced emotions.
Magic Mike XXL
The storyline is scattered at best, the dialogue is garbled, and it didn’t even have any dinosaurs. Did you see the first Magic Mike? This is just like that, but the less awesome version.
My rating: 2/5 food truck road trips.
This is our punishment. For what? Global warming? Crocs? I don’t know, but we’ve definitely done it this time. Perhaps if we as a collective society hadn’t seen so many Minion-themed throw pillows, phone cases, and tote bags in the weeks preceding the film’s release, then we wouldn’t get the sense that we’re living each day to the next in a nightmarish Minion-themed hellscape.
My rating: 1/5 Minion-themed Tic Tacs.